“I feel like telling you everything, talking until, my words aren’t apart of me anymore, they are apart of the air, and suddenly they are not my problem, and I am free”
Song of choice: "Hammers and Strings (Lullaby)- Jack's Mannequin"
Summer is my favorite time of the year. It's driving with the windows down and tunes blasting, sunflower seeds, the sun on your back, the perfect warm breeze, starry nights, fields of fireflies, bonfires and smores, sand volleyball, and a million other things. Each summer starts full of potential and ends with a multitude of memories. No doubt, some are good and others bad, but isn't that true of all things?
In case you don't know me, let me preface this by telling you two important things about my personality that may shed some light on my posts. 1) I'm an introvert. I love being around people and being social- especially when they're people I care about. However, spending a prolonged amount of time with a bunch of people exhausts me. After being around a bunch of people, I need time to recharge, reflect, and basically figure out what just happened. 2) I'm a romantic. I'll try to elaborate on this later if at all.
Tonight was an unseasonably cold night for May. The sky was also extraordinarily clear, and the full moon was so bright that it was difficult to see the stars. My yard was painted with pale white light that made the shadows dance even more than usual. I was in a contemplative mood, so I walked around a bit and ended up on my old basketball court between our corn crib and a shed. I stood there for a long while, letting my thoughts wander where they willed while my ipod provided background music. It was one of those times when you don't really pay attention to what you're listening to; it blocks out reality and lets your mind wander uninhibited. It's moments like these that I think clearest, and I feel like if I reach out carefully enough, I can find some truth. If I sift through my thoughts carefully enough, maybe they'll all fit together and whisper some secret about life to me.
I thought about how much I love to work with my hands. I love building things and tearing things apart. I love being sore at the end of the day and being able to show someone what I've done. Two summers ago, I tore one of the old sheds on our farm down. I ripped the shed apart nail by nail and board by board, and when I walked on the foundation where the building once stood, I felt proud. "Remember that shed? Yeah, I tore that down. I did that. Yep, this guy." There's something about working with my hands that just feels right. Over the course of the past week, I've torn off shingles on one of our old sheds and on my uncle's house. It's hard, dirty work that literally no one likes to do. I've loved it. I love feeling sore, feeling like I've really done something, feeling like I'm doing my part. Don't get me wrong, if I had to shingle for the rest of my life, I would take very little, if any, enjoyment from it, but being able to do physical labor is something I've missed during the past couple years (I'm sure some of you want to slap me right now....that's ok, I understand). Working hard just feels right, and I'm proud of all the scrapes, all the sweat, and every ache that comes from it. It doesn't hurt that I'm getting paid for it either. :) It's a satisfaction that I don't get from math or a number of other areas of my life.
I also thought about romance and relationships and all that jazz. This is where the whole romantic part of my personality comes into play. I want to be in a relationship, and I want to get married. I want to be in love. I want to protect them, hold them gently, and kiss them passionately. I want to really get to know them and connect with them. I want to treat them with the respect they deserve and to lead them spiritually. I want to let my guard down and let her see me for all that I truly am: my talents, quirks, fialures, shortcomings, and everything else. Throughout my life, I've felt like things would be better if i had someone to share them with- like things are pale in comparison to how they could and were meant to be. For a while, I felt like I deserved a relationship, but my perspective has since changed. As a sinner, I know what I really deserve, and I know that God's will is better than my own. So, I'm not going to go looking for a relationship, but if I stumble upon a girl that seems like she could be the right one, I'll definitely give it a chance.
Anyhow, the two reason that romance came to mind were because I'm a romantic (makes sense, right? romantics would think about romance) and because summer seems to have been made for romance. What better ways to connect someone or feel the passion of God's beauty than during summer when the stars are shining, the lightning bugs are flickering, or real lightning strikes in the distance. Maybe it's just me, but I think a walk on a starlit night, talking around a campfire, running together during a rainstorm, or frolicking with the fireflies are all exceptionally romantic. Well, summer is chalk full of all of the above. You might see how it's difficult for me to not think about romance during the summer. Here's the conclusion I came to tonight, though. Nearly everything in life is better when you share it with those you care about (diseases and certain other things excluded). Beautiful sights, exciting news, roadtrips, food- everything is better with friends. So, I realized that maybe instead of hoping for that perfect someone to come along so that I can share everything with her, maybe it's high time I share more of those moments with my friends and grow closer with them. I feel pretty confident in saying that I'm on the right track with this one. I still want that special someone, but I think my perspective has shifted in a way that it has needed to.
I also thought about how important the little things are. How the smallest thing can cheer someone up during their dreariest day, or it can destroy a day full of happy events. This realization made me want to do more random things to cheer people up- the kind of things that I always think about doing and never do. Who knows what could come of it? I think we often forget that anything is possible. We put these boundaries on our capabilities and the capabilities of others (often without even knowing them), and we totally write God out of the equation. We get so involved in our own little worlds and trying to control what happens to us that we forget that this life isn't about us and we really don't have any control at all. However, in God, all things are possible, and that's really exciting for me. It's kind of like when you know someone a little bit, and you get this idea of who they are. Then, when you get to know them better, you realize how little you actually knew about them and that you were probably wrong about most of what you assumed. Similarly, when you do something, a lot of times you expect a certain response. Well, God may give you that response, or he could throw you a curve. Exciting right? What is more exciting than having absolutely no idea what's going to happen and relying on God? I don't know about you, but I'm pretty excited to see what God's going to do in my life and the lives of those around me.
I'm sure I had more thoughts, but I can't seem to remember them at the moment. I hope you've enjoyed this look into my mind. Who knows, maybe you can even take something from it.
-Andrew "Hellboi" Helzer
love that song =)
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