Words. Word.

Wow. Thirteen months. A lot has changed and a lot has stayed the same. It's funny how things can change in an instant in time or gradually over the course of a month, two months, a year, a decade...(you get the idea). Another thing that is funny is how we say that things are funny when they actually aren't (did you catch what I did there ;)) . They may be odd, interesting, or intriguing, but at least when I say "It's funny how..." it usually isn't really that humorous. Anyhow, I've been pondering the power of words, and I've come to the conclusion that the saying "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." really isn't true at all. Words will hurt you. They may break you, and they can leave wounds that never fully heal. They can also build you up to new heights and encourage you. They can express love, kindness, compassion, and a multitude of other beautiful things. It brings James 3:9-10 to mind:  

"With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. ¹⁰ Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be."

Words have power, and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Your words can change someone's life. Recently, a handful of words changed mine. Words picked me up and dropped me. Then, they betrayed me when I tried to put together my handful of disconnected thoughts and express them. At this point, I should interject and clarify that the person who said these words to me is someone that I care about and who spoke honestly and out of a caring heart. If I (miraculously, weirdly, and rather dumbly) had the chance to change those words, I wouldn't unless the circumstances behind them changed. 

That's another thing. Circumstances, expression, tone, and a million other things can change the meaning, intent, effect, and result of words. They are a tricky sort, and they can just as easily (if not more easily) be misunderstood as they can express meaning, thoughts, or emotions. In fact, when it comes to thoughts and emotions, words never seem to fully express what you want. I'm always scrambling to find the "right words", but I don't think they actually exist. You can get infinitely close to the meaning you want to communicate, but, except for the most complete, simple, and straightforward things, it doesn't seem to get the job done. 

For example, you can tell someone you love them, but I don't think it ever means just that. It never does it justice. The recipient of that message can't understand the affection you feel for them, the heights and depths you are willing to experience for them, what you are willing to sacrifice for them, or your desire to protect them from all evil that the world wants to throw their way. To me, "I love you" means all of those things and more. This isn't to say that someone can't understand those things, but can they ever truly know the passion, the hope, and the desire that is tied in with those three words? When I say "I love you" (the real love, not the "I love popsicles" kind of love), it means so much more than it seems like it should be able to. It means that I will cross mountains to see you. I will protect you with all of my being. It means that I am yours. I will sacrifice the things I want to do for what is best for you. It means even more that I can't even put into words! Beyond that, it is a promise to show and express my love for them. After all, what is "love" without actions to back it up? An empty promise, disappointment, and distrust. (I think it's worth mentioning that I haven't said "I love you" in a romantic way for a long time, and I hope not to until I'm at least very seriously dating if not engaged/married. It's something that has become much more meaningful to me than it once was.)
  
Like I mentioned, words can also build and encourage. Earlier this summer, I received five letters from dear friends of mine that held some of the most encouraging words that have ever been expressed to me. I cherish them, and I read and remember them often. It is much too often that we use our words to express disgust, disdain, and frustration, and it isn't nearly often enough that we use them to encourage, show our respect, or express how much we care. If anyone is reading this (doubtful), I'm challenging you to be conscious of your words. I don't think I need to give you any examples because you have experienced the elation and disappointment that words can bring, so use them wisely. Have you shown your appreciation to the ones you love or only expressed disappointment for (probably stupid) things? Take James 3 to heart as well as Colossians 4:6:

 Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

and Philippians 2:14-16:

Do everything without grumbling or arguing, ¹⁵ so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.”^[c] Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky ¹⁶ as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain.

Here are some words to music! Fancy that!  
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0YP6S7Nq0k

and with that, I bid you good night.

It's Summer Time

“I feel like telling you everything, talking until, my words aren’t apart of me anymore, they are apart of the air, and suddenly they are not my problem, and I am free”

Song of choice: "Hammers and Strings (Lullaby)- Jack's Mannequin"


Summer is my favorite time of the year. It's driving with the windows down and tunes blasting, sunflower seeds, the sun on your back, the perfect warm breeze, starry nights, fields of fireflies, bonfires and smores, sand volleyball, and a million other things. Each summer starts full of potential and ends with a multitude of memories. No doubt, some are good and others bad, but isn't that true of all things?

In case you don't know me, let me preface this by telling you two important things about my personality that may shed some light on my posts. 1) I'm an introvert. I love being around people and being social- especially when they're people I care about. However, spending a prolonged amount of time with a bunch of people exhausts me. After being around a bunch of people, I need time to recharge, reflect, and basically figure out what just happened. 2) I'm a romantic. I'll try to elaborate on this later if at all.

Tonight was an unseasonably cold night for May. The sky was also extraordinarily clear, and the full moon was so bright that it was difficult to see the stars. My yard was painted with pale white light that made the shadows dance even more than usual. I was in a contemplative mood, so I walked around a bit and ended up on my old basketball court between our corn crib and a shed. I stood there for a long while, letting my thoughts wander where they willed while my ipod provided background music. It was one of those times when you don't really pay attention to what you're listening to; it blocks out reality and lets your mind wander uninhibited. It's moments like these that I think clearest, and I feel like if I reach out carefully enough, I can find some truth. If I sift through my thoughts carefully enough, maybe they'll all fit together and whisper some secret about life to me.

I thought about how much I love to work with my hands. I love building things and tearing things apart. I love being sore at the end of the day and being able to show someone what I've done. Two summers ago, I tore one of the old sheds on our farm down. I ripped the shed apart nail by nail and board by board, and when I walked on the foundation where the building once stood, I felt proud. "Remember that shed? Yeah, I tore that down. I did that. Yep, this guy." There's something about working with my hands that just feels right. Over the course of the past week, I've torn off shingles on one of our old sheds and on my uncle's house. It's hard, dirty work that literally no one likes to do. I've loved it. I love feeling sore, feeling like I've really done something, feeling like I'm doing my part. Don't get me wrong, if I had to shingle for the rest of my life, I would take very little, if any, enjoyment from it, but being able to do physical labor is something I've missed during the past couple years (I'm sure some of you want to slap me right now....that's ok, I understand). Working hard just feels right, and I'm proud of all the scrapes, all the sweat, and every ache that comes from it. It doesn't hurt that I'm getting paid for it either. :) It's a satisfaction that I don't get from math or a number of other areas of my life.

I also thought about romance and relationships and all that jazz. This is where the whole romantic part of my personality comes into play. I want to be in a relationship, and I want to get married. I want to be in love. I want to protect them, hold them gently, and kiss them passionately. I want to really get to know them and connect with them. I want to treat them with the respect they deserve and to lead them spiritually. I want to let my guard down and let her see me for all that I truly am: my talents, quirks, fialures, shortcomings, and everything else. Throughout my life, I've felt like things would be better if i had someone to share them with- like things are pale in comparison to how they could and were meant to be. For a while, I felt like I deserved a relationship, but my perspective has since changed. As a sinner, I know what I really deserve, and I know that God's will is better than my own. So, I'm not going to go looking for a relationship, but if I stumble upon a girl that seems like she could be the right one, I'll definitely give it a chance.

Anyhow, the two reason that romance came to mind were because I'm a romantic (makes sense, right? romantics would think about romance) and because summer seems to have been made for romance. What better ways to connect someone or feel the passion of God's beauty than during summer when the stars are shining, the lightning bugs are flickering, or real lightning strikes in the distance. Maybe it's just me, but I think a walk on a starlit night, talking around a campfire, running together during a rainstorm, or frolicking with the fireflies are all exceptionally romantic. Well, summer is chalk full of all of the above. You might see how it's difficult for me to not think about romance during the summer. Here's the conclusion I came to tonight, though. Nearly everything in life is better when you share it with those you care about (diseases and certain other things excluded). Beautiful sights, exciting news, roadtrips, food- everything is better with friends. So, I realized that maybe instead of hoping for that perfect someone to come along so that I can share everything with her, maybe it's high time I share more of those moments with my friends and grow closer with them. I feel pretty confident in saying that I'm on the right track with this one. I still want that special someone, but I think my perspective has shifted in a way that it has needed to.

I also thought about how important the little things are. How the smallest thing can cheer someone up during their dreariest day, or it can destroy a day full of happy events. This realization made me want to do more random things to cheer people up- the kind of things that I always think about doing and never do. Who knows what could come of it? I think we often forget that anything is possible. We put these boundaries on our capabilities and the capabilities of others (often without even knowing them), and we totally write God out of the equation. We get so involved in our own little worlds and trying to control what happens to us that we forget that this life isn't about us and we really don't have any control at all. However, in God, all things are possible, and that's really exciting for me. It's kind of like when you know someone a little bit, and you get this idea of who they are. Then, when you get to know them better, you realize how little you actually knew about them and that you were probably wrong about most of what you assumed. Similarly, when you do something, a lot of times you expect a certain response. Well, God may give you that response, or he could throw you a curve. Exciting right? What is more exciting than having absolutely no idea what's going to happen and relying on God? I don't know about you, but I'm pretty excited to see what God's going to do in my life and the lives of those around me.

I'm sure I had more thoughts, but I can't seem to remember them at the moment. I hope you've enjoyed this look into my mind. Who knows, maybe you can even take something from it.

-Andrew "Hellboi" Helzer

Faith

I was reading Wild at Heart by John Eldredge today, and I came across the following line: 

"Yet this is the world God has made---a world that requires us to live with risk. Because God wants us to live by faith."

Faith is something I've been thinking about a lot lately for a number of reasons. I've recently found myself on a couple sites/threads that have featured a lot of Christian vs. Atheist back and forth, which has been...interesting. I saw a number of arguments against Christianity ranging anywhere from "If God loved us, then why is there pain, hunger, hate, etc. in the world" to "the facts don't support it, and there are other better supported ancient documents that contradict Christianity". In my short time on this planet, I've learned that in a lot of cases, facts can be skewed to mean what you want them to. Statistics can be interpreted any number of ways, and they are rarely actually all that conclusive. As far as the other variety of argument, I don't claim to understand all that God does or why. God is the creator of the universe....who am I, one of his gazillion creations, to claim that I fully understand him? Doesn't it seem a bit egocentric and absurd to think that we would understand all that God does and his reasoning behind it? That's where faith comes in- I trust that God knows what's best for me. I trust that he will provide for me and that he'll be there when I need him most. I'll admit that my faith in his providing for me hasn't been tested much- I'm a CA who probably has too many clothes, a meal plan, and a really nice room. As a result I haven't really worried about what I'm going to eat, what I'm going to wear, and where I'm going to sleep at any point during my life. Come to think of it, there haven't been a lot of situations where I've had to depend on God to come through in my life. What does that have to say about my faith?

If I'm going to be honest, my life doesn't include a lot of risk. I pretty much go through the same routine every week without a lot of change, and I don't stray too far from my comfort zone. I hate it. How little faith is that? Real faith is putting yourself in positions where God has to come through or you're in trouble. I don't mean testing God- I mean giving all that you are to God and trusting that he will work out the details. Sometimes it's easy to forget that anything is possible- that God likes to work seemingly bizarre ways that you would never suspect. Look at Jesus' disciples: fishermen, tax collectors, etc. Look at Paul- before he became a believer, he was a Pharisee persecuting Christians. Who in their right mind would have believed that Saul was going to change his name to Paul and not only stop persecuting Christians but join them and spread the gospel?. God likes to work in ways that we wouldn't suspect.

When it comes down to it, God wants us to take risks. He wants us to trust him. As some (if not all of you) know, I recently had a talk with a certain girl about my interest in pursuing her. At least in my mind, it was a pretty risky talk. Anytime you can get rejected, there's a risk involved, but if you sit back and watch every pitch, you'll never go anywhere. Men were not made to be stagnant, passive, hesitant creatures. I'm the first to admit that I've been all three of those, and it disgusts me. To quote Thoreau, "The mass of men live lives of quiet desperation." Men were made to be wild, fierce, and passionate, but, too often, we sit back, wait, and let opportunities pass us by. We decide that the status quo is good enough, that there's no reason to rock the boat. So many guys need to step up and grow a pair.

Anyhow, I had the risky talk. I admit, it didn't go perfectly, and it definitely didn't go as planned, but I'm glad I initiated it. She's an awesome gal, and I'm excited to get to know her better (no matter the outcome.). It's in God's hands, and I have faith that God will guide me to say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done. 

Don't be afraid to take risks. Don't be afraid of getting hurt- often the greatest things in life are risky. Relationships aren't easy, and there aren't any guarantees, but there is also a lot of potential. There's the potential to be part of something greater than you could be by yourself, the potential for love, and the potential for life. 

On that note, I'm going to bed. I'll leave you with this drawing I was working on tonight. This is what I do when I think:
 

G'night all.

Attraction

So, there's this girl....she has a beautiful smile, she's incredibly nice, uncoordinated in the cutest possible way, and she absolutely takes my breath away. More importantly, I barely know her. I want to know her, but I don't right now. I wish it was a more uncommon story for me: meet girl, get to know girl a little bit, ask friends about girl, fall for girl, putz around, be awkward, start conversations and have nothing to say, try to impress girl and end up looking like a big dummy, waddle away with tail between legs, swear I learned my lesson, and then rinse and repeat.

I talked to my brother about relationships this Summer while I was going through a rough patch in the relationship I was in. One of the things he told me was that he had taken a long hard look at his relationships in the past, and he didn't like how many of them had "what if's" attached. My brother decided to go back and give some of these relationships a chance because he would rather know for sure than live with all those "what if's" surrounding him. I should let you know that my brother and I are very different in many ways- that's a pretty broad statement, right? Let me talk about a few: My brother is a social butterfly. I'm more of a wallflower. My brother graduated from Iowa State with an art degree. I will (most likely) graduate from Iowa State with a math degree. Robbie throws pots. I throw balls. Finally, and most relevant for this entry, my brother has dated a lot of girls. I've really dated one girl. In comparison with me, my brother is a dating expert. I swear, he could find a relationship with a clothes hanger, a tube sock, three strips of duct tape, two paper clips, and a magic marker. He is the Macgyver of dating.

Here's the important difference in my brother's dating style and my own. He. Goes. For. It. I sit back and wait. and wait. and.....wait. and then, if there's even a shred of a chance left, I make an awkward attempt and limp away with my tail between my legs. My brother is in the game while I'm still on the bench. Unfortunately, when it comes to girls and crushing, I have a lot of bad habits. I'm even going to number them...because I can.

1. I try to impress them. Pretty standard right? Guys are always trying to impress girls. The problem I run into is that every time I try to impress a girl, I end up looking like a know-it-all, a huge nerd, or something equally as attractive.
2. I try to make myself more attractive to them. I try to change myself so that they'll like me. This is probably the stupidest one of the list. If you want to date someone, they should probably like you for who you are, right? Right.
3. I talk to them on facebook chat. This one seems pretty silly, doesn't it? The problem is that I start talking to a girl, and then my mind goes totally and completely blank. I find that I have absolutely nothing interesting to say, and I become very afraid that I'm being "that guy" that you just wish would stop typing and go away. 
4. I over-analyze everything. Seriously. Everything. Every. Thing. All the things. All of them.
5. I get down on myself. For future reference, if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will.

Ok, now that we have that incredibly encouraging list out of the way, let's take a look at how I would like to be: I'd like to be the kind of guy that has faith that if God desires you to date a certain girl, then it will happen. I'd like to have confidence, but not in myself- in the fact that God is with me and things will work out if they're meant to. I'd like to be more comfortable with who I am and who god made me to be. I'd like to seek courage, stop complaining, and ask a girl out instead of thinking about her 23/7(a guy's gotta sleep some time, right?). I'd like to pursue a girl; to put myself on the line and go all in. Basically, I want to be a Godly man and a Godly leader. Someone who isn't afraid of "no" and whose identity isn't founded on their relationship status or the number of girls you've gone out with.


Here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to ask this girl out for coffee. I'm going to be comfortable in my own skin and confident that God will do as he desires. I will pay. I will walk her home, and if things go well, I will tell her that I'd like to see her again (as in a date; I actually run into her like three times a day). I'll do this because the alternative hasn't worked and it isn't good; here's a quote from Captivating that explains: "A passive man says,"God will not come through. He is not acting on your behalf."."
 Right before that qoute, it talks about how men were created to show their strength through action. When you are passive, you quit believing that God will come through.

I don't know who, if anyone, will read this, but I'll give you a clue as to identity of the girl I've been talking about.

CLUE #1: She has red hair.

That's all I'll say for now. If someone asks nicely, I might say more. If you're in a praying mood, please pray that God will give me wisdom and guidance in this area, and that he would make his will known. Pray that he would grow me in my faith and my boldness, that I would put myself in situations where I have to depend on God.

I'm tired and my bed is close

I've decided that I want to start each of my posts off with a song. I almost always have some band or song I'm jazzed about, so I might as well share it!

Here you go: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PElhV8z7I60
and: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DjUX2LESOpM

I don't really care for either videos, but I've grown pretty fond of The XX. Their songs sound a lot simpler and have a sense of clarity that a lot of popular music doesn't seem to. Their lyrics aren't profound or really even very good in my opinion, but it's good music for playing in the background while doing homework or on the way to class.


However, since it's now 12:52 in the AM and I'm supposed to lift tomorrow morning at 7:00 AM, I'm going to bed.

Out Peace.

-Andrew

Perfection

There's a reason I'm not a good blogger. Well, actually, there are several. One of them has to do with the fact that I'm a perfectionist. It's something I inherited from my mom.

My mom is an incredible woman. She raised my brother and I without a lot of help from my dad, which is incredible in and of itself. However, that doesn't really have much to do with her perfectionism. My mom is an artist. Colored pencil and pen/ink are her mediums of choice, and she really knows how to make them sing. Anyhow, her artistic ability goes hand in hand with her attention to detail. As a result, she is never fully satisfied with her work; something I understand completely. Anyhow, this relates to my blogging because I'm never satisfied with what I write. I understand that blogging doesn't need to be perfect, profound, or even that well thought out, but I still want it to be. I want everything I do to be polished and air-tight.  No promises, but I'm going to work on it.

Another reason I'm not a very good blogger is because I'm terrible at telling stories and even worse about updating things. I always want to give a thousand background details so that whatever story makes sense, but I end up confusing them, losing them, getting sidetracked, or not even getting the point of the story across. There are people who are really gifted at making anything that happens to them interesting or funny- I'm not one of them.

Finally, I'm a bad blogger because I'm super self-conscious. I am more critical of myself than anyone, and I imagine other people judging me more harshly than probably ever would. I'm getting better about it, and one of the things that has helped me the most is realizing that in most cases, it really doesn't matter what other people think of me. When you're living your life for Christ and you take your worth from him, a lot of things stop mattering and it becomes a lot easier to do things that you usually wouldn't.

I know this post isn't very satisfying and pretty sad, but I'll probably post something tomorrow with an update on my life.

Out peace
-Andrew



p.s. My mom drew this :)
http://wcfcourier.com/image_c909bf8a-d45b-11de-ad7a-001cc4c03286.html

So.....Life, eh?

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." -Marianne Williamson

It's been a bit since I posted my first blog post. There have been a few times where I've wanted to write, but the words weren't there. Nothing new is really going on in my life...at least nothing concrete. I've been through such a huge range of emotions and mental states that I don't even know what to do with myself. Luckily, I have friends that care enough to give me a kick in the pants when I need one.

A little over two months ago, my ex-girlfriend broke up with me. It's the age old, cliche scenario, but it has truly been one of the toughest things I've had to go through. During the sermon last week at Cornerstone, Paul Sabino talked about how the thing in his life that affected him the most was his break up during his freshman year of college. He talked about walking around campus feeling like a shell of a man, and I can absolutely relate to that idea. I really wish that I would have been able to hear that sermon a lot sooner because it really got through to me. Another thing Paul said was that it's ok to mourn, and that true strength means being weak; being willing to depend on God and the people he puts in your life.

I'm still trying to figure out what it means to be a man. What it really means to have strength, and how I can use it well and for noble purposes. In my opinion, Wild At Heart is a great book, and it's brought a lot of things into perspective for me, but, when it comes down to it, it's just a book. Real life is not found within it, and it can only give you so much help and advice. In a lot of ways, I wish our culture was more like it used to be; Back when father's initiated their sons and taught them their trade, when families stayed together through thick and thin, and back when women got the respect they deserved. It amazes me (in a bad way) how disrespectful some men are to women. For me, that's not what it means to be a man. In Wild at Heart, John Eldredge talks about how men should lend use their strength to help, protect, and appreciate women, not to degrade, batter, or abuse them. While I was still dating my ex, I realized just how much of a difference the things you say can make. It's scary how much destruction a few stupid thoughts can do, but it's also amazing how much compliments and encourage can build someone up. I don't think you fully realize how much power words have until you see the damage they can do. It's pretty clear that God knows- just look at this warning from James 3:

"When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. ⁴Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. ⁵Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. ⁶The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell."

I don't like the person I was this Summer, and the things I said are a huge part of that sentiment. I really hurt the person I cared about most, and that may well be the worst feeling in the world. The person that I want to protect and give my strength to the most, and I ended up doing more harm than anything else. That's not who I want to be. I wan to be the kind of person that is careful with their words; I want to be a man that encourages, compliments, and is careful with criticism. I want to be the kind of man that will call you out on things, but I also know that the way you say something has a big impact on how it's received.

Break ups are messy, confusing, painful, lonely, and a mass of other things. I've been through such a huge range of emotions and mental states; I've thought I've been over her only to look at her facebook profile or hear/see her name, and then I'm right back where I was. When you go through a break up, you don't only lose your girlfriend, you lose your best friend. All the happy memories you collected that kept you going through the tough times are now like daggers in your heart. For a while, you can live in your memories. They will give you hope. You can imagine that things could be as they once were, but reality always catches up to you like being run down by a garbage truck. You might even pretend that you don't want them back, and if they wanted to get back with you, you would say no. It's not true though. Maybe some day down the road it will be, but right now it's the thing you want most and want to admit the least. In the end, though, you can't will someone into a relationship with you, and you can't argue them into one either. You have to put yourself out there and hope like hell the other person does as well; if they do, it can be absolute bliss, and if they don't, well...you know how it feels. Another thing I've learned from this relationship, it's that logic isn't enough. Logic will never be enough.

I have it in me to be a passionate, strong, dangerous, and godly man. I believe that God gave me a heart full of love, and strength that I can't wait to protect people with. The people I care about tell me that I'm a good man and that I have a good heart, and I trust them enough to believe it. I also know that I'm not man enough yet. I'm getting there, but it's an uphill battle, and I'm stumbling a lot. Sorry for the overall downer tone of this post, but I promise they'll get better.

-Andrew