"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." -Marianne Williamson
It's been a bit since I posted my first blog post. There have been a few times where I've wanted to write, but the words weren't there. Nothing new is really going on in my life...at least nothing concrete. I've been through such a huge range of emotions and mental states that I don't even know what to do with myself. Luckily, I have friends that care enough to give me a kick in the pants when I need one.
A little over two months ago, my ex-girlfriend broke up with me. It's the age old, cliche scenario, but it has truly been one of the toughest things I've had to go through. During the sermon last week at Cornerstone, Paul Sabino talked about how the thing in his life that affected him the most was his break up during his freshman year of college. He talked about walking around campus feeling like a shell of a man, and I can absolutely relate to that idea. I really wish that I would have been able to hear that sermon a lot sooner because it really got through to me. Another thing Paul said was that it's ok to mourn, and that true strength means being weak; being willing to depend on God and the people he puts in your life.
I'm still trying to figure out what it means to be a man. What it really means to have strength, and how I can use it well and for noble purposes. In my opinion, Wild At Heart is a great book, and it's brought a lot of things into perspective for me, but, when it comes down to it, it's just a book. Real life is not found within it, and it can only give you so much help and advice. In a lot of ways, I wish our culture was more like it used to be; Back when father's initiated their sons and taught them their trade, when families stayed together through thick and thin, and back when women got the respect they deserved. It amazes me (in a bad way) how disrespectful some men are to women. For me, that's not what it means to be a man. In Wild at Heart, John Eldredge talks about how men should lend use their strength to help, protect, and appreciate women, not to degrade, batter, or abuse them. While I was still dating my ex, I realized just how much of a difference the things you say can make. It's scary how much destruction a few stupid thoughts can do, but it's also amazing how much compliments and encourage can build someone up. I don't think you fully realize how much power words have until you see the damage they can do. It's pretty clear that God knows- just look at this warning from James 3:
"When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. 4Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. 5Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell."
I don't like the person I was this Summer, and the things I said are a huge part of that sentiment. I really hurt the person I cared about most, and that may well be the worst feeling in the world. The person that I want to protect and give my strength to the most, and I ended up doing more harm than anything else. That's not who I want to be. I wan to be the kind of person that is careful with their words; I want to be a man that encourages, compliments, and is careful with criticism. I want to be the kind of man that will call you out on things, but I also know that the way you say something has a big impact on how it's received.
Break ups are messy, confusing, painful, lonely, and a mass of other things. I've been through such a huge range of emotions and mental states; I've thought I've been over her only to look at her facebook profile or hear/see her name, and then I'm right back where I was. When you go through a break up, you don't only lose your girlfriend, you lose your best friend. All the happy memories you collected that kept you going through the tough times are now like daggers in your heart. For a while, you can live in your memories. They will give you hope. You can imagine that things could be as they once were, but reality always catches up to you like being run down by a garbage truck. You might even pretend that you don't want them back, and if they wanted to get back with you, you would say no. It's not true though. Maybe some day down the road it will be, but right now it's the thing you want most and want to admit the least. In the end, though, you can't will someone into a relationship with you, and you can't argue them into one either. You have to put yourself out there and hope like hell the other person does as well; if they do, it can be absolute bliss, and if they don't, well...you know how it feels. Another thing I've learned from this relationship, it's that logic isn't enough. Logic will never be enough.
I have it in me to be a passionate, strong, dangerous, and godly man. I believe that God gave me a heart full of love, and strength that I can't wait to protect people with. The people I care about tell me that I'm a good man and that I have a good heart, and I trust them enough to believe it. I also know that I'm not man enough yet. I'm getting there, but it's an uphill battle, and I'm stumbling a lot. Sorry for the overall downer tone of this post, but I promise they'll get better.
-Andrew
No comments:
Post a Comment